today as work was pushed late due to snow, i lied in bed thinking about how controlled i am by the things i think i have to do.
i have zero zen right now. i am utterly under the control of a sense obligation to be productive. obligation to who/what is a great question, one i’m not sure i want to ask, i’m not sure where it leads or how to answer it.
one thing is for sure, while i operate like this, i can’t rest. i can lie down, i can even slow down just enough to fake rest, but what i notice i’m actually doing, and this is dangerous, is i’m actively faking rest. i’m going through the motions of rest, and not actually finding any peace, any tranquility, any calm. i’m not recharging, i’m not un-tensing my mind or releasing my grip on wrangling life.
i’m checking “rest” off a list. my name is robert, and i don’t know how to relax.
i can operate like this for weeks, months, who knows maybe i’ve gone a year, but eventually the neuroticism of seeing only what has to be done next in every situation, at every waking moment, in every corner of every room, in every conversation wears me down to frustration, apathy, and what i struggle with most with, constant joylessness. [i’m not unhappy, that’s different]
a constant, you “work till your dead, and that’s it” stigma starts to build up, with sprinkles of food, alcohol, brain numbing entertainment, and momentary spiritual reprieve, always fleeting, become the norm. when i say work, it could be your 9-5, could be your side business, it could be cleaning, it could be fixing things, research, worrying, you can make anything work, it’s work if it’s not relaxing, if you’re not utterly peaceful.
while this “norm” isn’t the worst thing in the world, i sense this isn’t how i’m supposed to live.
i want to cultivate in my mind, routine, heart, and gut, a way to relax and find peace. most importantly with god, as that peace is filled with everything my obligatory state is not. it’s filled with a sense of joy, ease, smiles, slow patience, and this odd intuitive confidence, one might say living faith [because it feels so real in front of you] that you are right where you need to be, you belong. it’s…nice to say it plainly. even if i step back from the god conversation, being in tune with yourself, more relaxed, and not always out to “work” something sounds like an improvement.
it’s not fair its not as easy as eating something, because as humans we’ve found this really easy, but slowing down, being deliberate about meditating, being reflective, calm, and peaceful, that’s entirely foreign, and we don’t do it, even though we may want to, and know how good it is.
I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. Romans 7 – The Message
i think i’ll start by writing more, and giving myself permission in my life constructs [i use calendars, and reminders heavily] to turn off my phone, stare out the window, just lay and breath…all of life’s stuff isn’t going anywhere, and more so, will get done faster if i’m not operating in a frustrated, obligatory, and joyless state.
i’ve had this conversation with myself before, i imagine i will again, it’s good to want to spend more time finding peace, and being with god, but as the verses above clearly point out, there’s a difference between deciding to do something, and doing it.
[for me, it helps me to think i’m operating in this obligatory state at %70 of my maximum throughput, and if i could make the state change in my life to find a regularly peaceful state, i’d operate at %100 throughput, and more importantly, give up trying to be more XXXX, and simply be]
i think i’ll start this cultivation now….