going to sleep early is so urgently critically, absolutely important and l i f e – c r i t i c a l, but … it’s the first thing to go out the window when it’s the best medicine.
oh human weakness.
i kill sleep, hours of sleep, i’m a sleep killer. i take actions that are detrimental to my body and mind’s needs, only to increase my exhaustion or frustration with life.
the ways i kill sleep are most often alcohol, staying up late “faking” productivity or pursuing relaxation, and eating sugar.
somehow i think these things will give me the feeling i’m relaxed or accomplished or ahead, that i had time at the end of the day for myself, that they’ll make me happy. when they, except maybe for a few brief minutes, do not, and instead impact me for hours or even the entire next day as i dwell on the exhaustion, the calories, the cloudy mind.
compounding that, i then “rally” back, and attempt to make up for the time i lost, skipping or trying to jam in my morning stretching, working out, planning and/or devotions later in the day to eek in 30-60 more minutes sleep. this perpetuates the cycle.
you know what would solve it, giving up what’s of lesser importance, and going to bed early regardless of circumstance. going to bed so that 8 hours of sleep is always possible. not having more than one drink. not following my compulsion for progress, and not eating after 9pm. giving up more of myself. [this reminds me of a not-to-do list]
…but i tend to think i can work like a robot and do the same tasks with the same clarity at 11:30am that i can at 11:30pm like a robot. i’ve known better for years, yet i still think i can operate like this.
oh human weakness.
…when i think in reflection why i act like this, i don’t have an answer. things seem like they should be done, and no one else is going to do them, so i must do them. i am compelled…to help people with technology, and build my business, to improve my house in every way possible for resale, for comfort, because that’s the way it should be, i must keep fit, for health reasons, because i must be strong, for some vanity if i’m honest but that’s not a driver…i must make sure life is functional, efficient, and pleasant for maria and santa, and others in my immediate physical life. all my surroundings need to be neat, organized, clean, my brain sees this as necessary for function, i don’t have an answer for why, it just is an open task to be completed if not that way.
this “compulsion” or intrinsic tension to “do” is a strength, it’s a blessing, but uncurbed, it’s a weakness, and i am feeling the overload of this, and it’s causing harm. it is self destructive. i am reminded of paul [the bible, romans 7:15] and doing what i do not want to do.
since i can’t function like a robot [i’m reiterating this to myself] i must be more realistic with what i’d like to do, placing things for “relaxation” at 11:00pm on my calendar, doesn’t work. i don’t want to read then, it’s not compelling enough vs the task oriented urgency of painting something in the house, cleaning a room, or responding to an e-mail. playing a video game, or meditating actually sounds like too much voluntary work, vs, productive work that has some false sense of urgency i’ve created….so what happens most times, is neither. how frustrating.
i pander away my time with organizing my calendar, straightening the house up while too tired to read a book, start a game, or anything relaxing in the restorative sense, but also too unmotivated to keep working on real home improvement, my work, or other life goals. instead, i kill sleep.
i get agitated with this, frustrated at life, at myself. angry sometimes. i try to, be stronger, over compensate. these don’t work…but you know what would? rest, meditation, prayer, s l e e p.
**what might help? try **
taking on a mind of less, purposely do things that rejuvenate my mind, body, soul after 7pm not things for outward progress, especially planning
“relaxing” activities earlier in the evening, before they seem like too much “work”
- fast days so a workout after 9-5 doesn’t seem necessary
- strict cut off times for home improvement or ITA
- targeted small home improvement projects at lunch [all else on weekend]
sleep reminders on devices [add accountability somehow]
a bracelet reminder – something physical to trigger my brain
talking about it with others
prayer
a special physical place i only “do rest” in [not likely in my home]