it is so difficult for me to let any area in my life get “messy” or unattended that i prohibit myself from making the kind of big progress i want in my business, in my home improvement, my spiritual life, etc.
god made structure, sure, which is what i tell myself when i’m trying to be organized and do everything
but god also made beautiful messes. having a baby, dang that’s a messy thing. nature? beautiful, harmonic, but also random and messy.
i’m at times a fanatical manager – computer files, house cleaning, home improvement project, house inventory, car cleaning, it doesn’t matter, i calendar occasions, i create spreadsheets to manage tasks, this immensely valuable proclivity, is also my biggest downfall.
i essentially allow everything to have the same priority whenever i can. honestly, so little in my life is urgent, but it all “seems” important and i let nothing dominate my time.
i have to let go, i have to create a ranking, a priority that i actually honor…or continue crawling when there are areas i want to take big gains in, but try to continue doing and having it all…. and that priority should really be guided by reflection, time talking with my creator, thoughtfulness, gratitude, and i should be all in when i decide.
this makes me sad, this is hard for me to think, but it’s what i’m called to do when i think about it.
it’s when i’m in a thought process like this i think about how living on a farm, or in the 1800’s must have been nice. you didn’t have so many inputs and outputs, it was easier to commit yourself to one thing wholly and let everything else filter through that priority, the concept wouldn’t be so foreign to me now if that’s just how life was, or at least that’s what i think.
i honestly feel like if i was released from my own prison and could focus, to act wholly an idea, i would never run out of ways to build new products, build interest, generate work, and enjoy it all, not feel boxed in by it all.
i feel stupid still feeling trapped by not enough hours in the day to do what i want to do, i know that is just an excuse…and for building my own mental cage of ambition, distraction, and trying to maintain everything.
and that’s what it is, my own cage, and my own responsibility to undo
a work in progress, as we all are.